Sunday, 3 May 2015




I’m a lazy busy person.  So- I get done what needs to be done- and for me that’s a lot of things.  It’s work, it’s washing, cooking, lunchbox packing, note signing, exercising, party planning, blog writing, studying, drum practising and in general managing the logistics of a family of five where no one else thinks about much more than what they need at any one time.  The rest of the time- I’m lazy- because I can be, and scarred into my memory are the toddler years where there was no downtime whatsoever.  In the weekends I sleep in till close to midday(while the organisers are doing organising and cleaning things- jokes on you bitches) and in the evenings I sit on the couch and watch trash TV till I fall asleep.  I like clean and organised houses and gardens though, and I reckon they’d be more relaxing to be lazy in.  I want one of those houses- I just can’t seem to do it- Is it because I’m so lazy?  Or could there be some other reason?

If I was half as busy as I am now- maybe my house would be amazing... That definitely could be it.  At the moment I’m the jack of all trades and master of none.  If there were no kids in the house then actually the place would be pretty spic and span for most of the time wouldn’t it?  And yet my friend has a toddler and her place is just a wonderful little Zen haven just begging for a mess grenade to be launched at it and I just want to wring her serene neck and smear my hands on her windows- bitch. She’s even made a website about how to make your life more like hers which is pretty amazing and you can check it out here.

Maybe it’s genetic?  Except my Mum is a cleaning psycho and her little house and cottage garden are testimony to the fact that genes are not helping my situation.  And Dad- well let’s just say- gated community and leave it at that.  My siblings are on a spectrum, none of them are high standard clean freaks but none of them live in squalor either (nor do I-mostly).  There’s still time I guess- I could end up with a neat as a pin house and glorious garden like Mum if the kids thing finishes and the genetics kicks in.

I’ve tried to take charge of this situation quite a few times.  There are the New Year’s resolutions, the Pinterest organising board, feasible schedules that I’ve put together, the family chorechart...  Basically I’ve got everything I need to get it all sorted but no success at acting it all out.  I’m organised to be organised but not organised enough to neatly act it out.  I’ve got a feeling it could be self sabotage.  It’s like holding an invisible cleaning gun to my head, taunting myself- it’s within your reach, you could have it, but you’re not going to bitch, just stare at your organising charts and have a panic attack bitch...

Now, just so you don’t think that I’m shallow enough to be yearning for my house to be clean in order to impress others let me reassure you.  I couldn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of my place and I welcome anyone who disapproves to turn right around and leave.   My dear and lovely friends come to see me and quite possibly seeing super Plum Lovely not being perfectly prim probably gives them a shiver of delight and a shot of relaxation.  They also probably don’t give a shit at all since my super personable qualities probably transcend any feelings about house cleanliness.

After years of ruminating on my failure to launch any kind of cleaning or organising regime I’ve finally come up with a feasible excuse for my actions (or inactions).  Here it is- I’m creative!  It’s a good excuse this one- let me illuminate you.  I’m extroverted and easily distracted- not good qualities for diligent duties like spending fucking hours lining up boxes, baskets, blankets and bing bongs (I don’t know).   I’m not the kind of creative that can draw, or paint, or sew, or make anything except some pretty fabulous food to shove in your cake hole and dress a fat body to look slimmer. I’m a story teller and I’m creative at getting things done with the least possible effort.  I guess that’s why people always wonder how I can get so much done and not lose my fucked up little mind. Well the reason is – because I’m not doing all that other cleaning and organising stuff that they’re doing, I’m doing what the hell I want- probably sitting on my arse watching ‘Come Dine With Me’ while stressing about how I’m going to get my assignment done and coming up with creative ideas about how I’ll do it given that I’m using some perfectly good time doing nothing right now...

Every few weeks I do still have a go at whipping things into shape though.  I’m creative like that.  The family chore chart gets resurrected every now and again and the kids roll their eyes and state the obvious- that it won’t be in action for long.  The best time to get the kids to do jobs is when they want something.  “Yes your friends can come and stay- if you clean your room and make dinner” is a win-win situation.  And also I would be remiss as a Mother if I did not teach them how to cook and clean!

Maybe I also enjoy living on the edge just a little, a rebel against the system- rebelling against the chore of domesticity- a conscientious objector!  Yes!  That’s it!  I’m a creative feminist, rebelling against the torment and slow soul death of domestic life. I OBJECT.  I still would like a clean, tidy, serene house though; can someone help me with that...?