Friday, 14 November 2014

Punch me in my Paleo Pie Hole!!!!

It's Atkins all over again and along with it the fervent and frenzied born again fresh food eaters.  You should know from the title of this post what I'm talking about, and if you haven't heard of the Paleo diet yet please stop reading and go hide back under your rock!  Right, now I'm left with those that have been exposed to the growing number of Paleo converts who smugly post their "clean eats" photos and amazing inspirational stories involving all sorts of miraculous recoveries from any ailment ever known to (wo)man!  Please all rise and praise the Paleo Lord- Amen!!!!

So in brief the Paleo diet claims to take us back to the diet of our Paleolithic ancestors, as clearly this is what we were supposed to be eating (not sure how the logic stacks up on that really) and the claim is made that Paleolithic Wo(man) was strong and healthy(how the hell do we know that?) and a large proportion of modern day Wo(man) are now overweight and unhealthy.  Paleo preachers put this down to our move away from the hunter- gatherer diet but personally I think it could be just as much to do with how much easier hunting and gathering food is now.  Driving through McD's is so much less energy expending than spending the day trying to hunt an animal- god I'd be fit if I had to regularly do that and I'd really consider how hungry I was before I took to the pursuit, unlike a quick stroll and grab at the pantry or fridge.  The thing is, my beef with these fad diets is the sensationalism, the packaging, the obsession, and the preaching. 

We all know what makes us fat- eating too much food and not exercising enough- that is the MAIN thing.  Most people with half a brain also know what a healthy diet looks like- mostly unprocessed foods, a high intake of fresh fruit and veges and some proteins like meat and stuff.  It's not rocket science.  And the growing problem of obesity- treat foods are available everywhere from the garden centre to the petrol station and all places in between and they're super affordable.  These treats contain giant amounts of energy from whole foods all condensed into a tiny mouth sized morsel.  So why does this regular fascination with a new, end all illness and obesity diet keep raising its ugly annoying head.  It's because people can't accept that they are just fat and lazy! 

I've found that the most successful Paleo dieters are the genetically athletic build type, the stressy perfectionists and the majorly OCD who get obsessed with something and make their whole life about it.  These are the most annoying people who rub their food in your face all the time and arrogantly claim that they are super healthy due to this amazing eating regime.  The thing is, these people probably never struggle with their weight yet arrogantly believe that it's their amazingly sensible choices that has led them to this wonderful state of being.  Recently I stopped following a well known(in NZ) nutritionist on facebook for precisely these reasons.  Her know it all attitude, and arrogance all garnished with pictures of her 'winning at life' pure paleo food did not make me smile and think about how I could improve my diet.  It actually made me want to chew up chips and spit them in her face!!!

One must only search instagram for #paleo for the real world(in pictures) of competitive eating, high-fiving and preaching the paleo way.  The thing is, I'm not sure I've seen a picture of this amazingly healthy paleolithic (Wo)man- probably there were no camera's back then - they were too busy hunting and gathering to invent camera's. Well here's a picture of some art from the paleolithic period...
 It looks like this Paleo artist either had special powers which allowed them to see into the future or this model has discovered the secret power of grains before her time!!!  The shocking truth might just be that in fact- wo(man) just eat what ever is edible about them and as much as they feel like given its availability.
Aside from the jaw grinding annoyance of this untasty trend I think what really makes me hate this indulgent attitude is that it is such a 1st world sport.  We have so much food that we are bulging at the seams but still we just smear it in the faces of the starving by using as much as we can in televised reality cooking competitions and singling out certain foods as not good enough to travel through our precious bodies.  Could you stand in front of a starving family(and I mean literally starving) whose only sustenance is rice and tell them that you don't eat rice because your Paleo ancestors didn't, or that at home you eat food while you watch people cook food on TV?  
Lastly one of my pet peeves is the desire people have to recreate an meal that is now deemed basically poisonous for them to eat as part of their new paleo religion.  Last week I saw on facebook a post about a brownie that had nothing resembling brownie ingredients in it.  It was proudly toted out to all the loyal Paleo followers to praise the Paleo lord that they could eat something that apparently tasted like a brownie but is actually healthy.  Ok, if you want a brownie in your gob just eat a brownie- it's a treat.  If you are obsessively creating recipes so that you can still eat the same tasting diet out of obscure possibly really expensive ingredients then your problems go further than your diet- find a better obsession like feeding those that don't have food to play with.
So to be clear- no I don't want to try your brownie free brownie made from mushed up dates and spinach, and no I don't believe that going Paleo is going to make sunshine shine out my eyes, solve all my ailments and make me live forever.  I think you are an annoying OCD freak and I'm going to mess up your instagram searches of #paleo pictures by tagging all my food pics with #paleo.  Also I might just start carrying a pocket full of white flour(yes white) and sprinkle it over your food when you're not looking.
P.S- to be honest, I'm a sucker for the cooking shows...
P.P.S- check out my facebook page for my Paleo hotdog recipe and the brownie free brownie recipe
P.P.S- It's ideas like these that really make me roll my eyes...Pale Coffee- desperate times

Thursday, 2 October 2014

Don't Lose Yourself into "Coupledom"

I'm a bit of a voyeur.  I like people watching, not that you'd notice since I spend very little time sitting still or being quiet- I'm no introvert!  But, I love people watching when given the opportunity, and I really think that even though I do engage in a lot of conversations(which I do really enjoy) my brain is really focused on human behaviour all the time- I just love it!  At the moment I'm noticing "Coupledom" and the "we" that people seem to transform into. I think it would be super amazing and highly unlikely that one could meet someone who thinks and feels exactly the same as them.  Why do so many people lose their identity in a relationship and become a 'we'?

My husband and 'I', 'We' disagree...
Have you ever watched a reality show where couples compete against each other?  This is the perfect place to see the 'we' in full effect.  Standing side by side and talking to the camera the couples say things like- "we really love neutral colours", "we are really competitive" or "we like reading" all the while glancing at each other with beaming smiles and nodding in agreement. 
Why are they doing this? Grouped together - the statement, the body language and the agreement seems like some sort of animalistic tribal dance of affirmation.  We're together, we like the same things, we're happy- see!  Is this affirmation for themselves or an outward sign for others- 'observe our indestructible force of togetherness, no one agrees more than we do, that's our intimate bond'! 

The thing is, before they were the 'we' they actually were individuals that obviously appealed to each other just as they were.  It's understanding that in the initial stages of togetherness they probably found all the things they had in common and spent a lot of time together, they probably spent less time doing individual things or fighting over topics they disagreed on while they were in the first flush of romance.  Is this what sets the scene  for the rest of the relationship?  Maybe the idea of truly being in-love and intimate is set down over this period and the idea of not agreeing or not spending all their time together now seems hostile and dangerous.  But without differences and individual pursuits what really is there to talk about?  How can your partner excite you if you have become carbon copies of each other.

My husband and I disagree on many topics, we are quite different, which is fine with me.  I like to know what 'I' think and not be scared to say it.  I don't think me having my own point of view makes my husband like me less either.  I also don't need him to agree with me.  It's not a problem at all for us to disagree and the bonus is that we get to explore all sides of a topic since we sometimes have different points of view.  In social situations I don't feel like I have to be a 'we' and choose one view point to defend as a couple, this is not tense or difficult, mostly it means in any social situation one of us agrees with someone else there at least.  It wasn't always like this though, I suspect we were a 'we' for a while there too, maybe it was immaturity... 

The most visual observance of the 'we' is at the mall or supermarket.  This is usually more a display of dutiful misery.  'We go shopping together because we are a 'we' so we do everything together even if it makes us miserable'. Why, oh why would you go shopping together?  Surely he is not interested in your recreational clothes shopping, and certainly not for more than thirty minutes!  I can't imagine how stressful it must be trying to shop while my husband wandered around after me absolutely bored to tears.  Leave your partner at home while you're shopping unless its a purchase that you both need to be present for, you can indulge your 'individual preferences' while you are alone. 
The supermarket shopping- hardly anyone enjoys this!!!!  Why double the misery by both going?  I have rarely seen a couple shopping and looking really happy together.  People hardly ever act kindly at the supermarket anyway and often the awkward people glancing can be a bit jungle like.  Did he just look at her??!!! Take a wide berth if you see a couple shopping together, they're probably so insecure that if you even glance their way you may be on the receiving end of an abusive tirade!

I think my main gripe with the 'we' is that it's just boring. Keep your relationship honest, alive and exciting and be an 'I'!

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Naked Selfies

Don't expose yourself to criticism by sending naked pics to unreliable sources.
Where to start on a topic so rich as this? I've felt many things in regards to stories about naked selfies.  The most recent and high profile release of one was of Jennifer Lawrence after she allegedly had them hacked from her phone. I haven't been tempted to look at them at all as that was her private business and I'm pretty sure she didn't make them for me to view- so I felt sorry for her that her intimate moment meant for herself or a loved one has been taken away from her.  I don't think  she should feel ashamed of herself as she clearly has every right to share this picture with someone if she wants to and no one has the right to take that from her.  It's really the selfie thieves that should feel ashamed.

I've heard so many times now about guys sending dick pics to girls and posting them on tinder etc.  Mate we assume if we're interested in guys then it's highly likely you've got a penis.  We don't need to see the proof and nor do we want to, if that's the best you can do you probably just are a dick and not worth bothering with. If you do want to send a dick pic then just send it to your mates- seriously- they are probably much more interested than us chicks.

What does seem to be highly prized and has stood the test of time are pictures of naked women.  In the past these pictures were more likely to be found in a Playboy magazine, or a 'dirty girls' calendar or such other smutty publication.  I suspect even getting your wife or girlfriend to agree to have a photograph taken of them in the nude would be a tough ask prior to the privacy of digital technology, as the embarrassing wait for photo's to be developed at the local shop would be too much to bear. But now that we all have our own personal digital device and can share pictures privately and quickly, the allure of sexting and provocative picture sharing has freed up a whole new world of foreplay and enticement.  Sadly though, if you send  your picture to an unreliable source they may expose you in ways you did not consider when you were all hot and heavy and snapping away.  If I'd even found a picture of a naked person when I was younger I'd have to physically take it and show it to people which would both limit the number of viewers whilst also exposing myself as an unreliable person to share secrets with.

I'm not sure why so many teenage girls seem to so easily gift naked selfies to sometimes even unknown guys.  Teenage girls risk opening themselves up to harsh criticism of their bodies and to having their picture shared far and wide amongst their peers.  I think if you send naked selfies to a teenage boy he is highly likely to share this trophy with his mates.  Girls, wait till you are in a long term relationship with a trustworthy partner before you start sending naked pics. Of course if you don't mind having heaps of people see you naked then snap away- though I suggest if you are under 18 you are probably not mature enough to make a good decision about this.  Also, just an idea, since these pictures are so sought after by teenage boys and since you would be the one taking all the risk why not try and get something for it. "$100 for a picture of my tits" once you've got the money just take a picture from google images and send it to him...

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Ginny Blackmore's Song Bones makes me rage!

Ginny Blackmore's song 'Bones' just drives me bloody crazy!  I've posted the video below for those who haven't heard it before but it's likely you have since it's been pretty popular worldwide.  Maybe you like the sound but haven't really listened to the words.  It's true she is a nice singer and the music sounds good too, but the words are just shameful in my opinion.  Poor Ginny- if she's writing this song about herself- she needs to get some self esteem and move on!  I'd expect to hear this sort of shit from a teenage girl maybe, but if you're an adult- she's 27- then you've got issues- if you're putting up with the sort of relationship she's describing in this song.  Here's why I wouldn't bother even writing a song about a pitiful relationship such as the one described in 'bones'.

First verse- "it sucks being in love with an unkind man"- that's actually not his fault.  The problem here is why she is in love with an unkind man?  Maybe he didn't seem unkind in the beginning?  Obviously he does now- don't put up with that bullshit Ginny, leave!

"talk to me like a regular tramp trying to screw you" "serve your ass steak and beer" - are you kidding me??? Does this make anyone else angry? He talks to her like she's a tramp and she serves him steak and beer!!!  Ginny- if he is unkind to you and you stick around and lay your bones down with him and serve him all the good snacks he wants, then what do you expect?  He's got everything he wants there without giving you anything, you're even writing a song for this arsehole!  You're sitting on a goldmine love, if you're gonna give it away to any idiot then you should consider making them do a few things for you first!  Maybe you need your lawns mowed and your car washed?

The chorus- "come and lay your bones down with me".  No Ginny, don't lie down with this piece of shit.  Pack your bags and go.  He's not worth inviting in to your special sanctuary.  No it's not love it's a Man with nothing better to do and a poor girl with low self esteem trying to do anything to get his attention, love and respect.  I recommend you leave immediately and if he's got a nice mate make sure you get some action with him and rub that in this shit-heads face.  You know you're pretty Ginny, you don't need some guy to tell you this, and if you do it's time to spend some time single learning to love yourself. 

Second Verse- "I'm not trying to play the victim"  That's exactly what you're doing Ginny, that's why you said you weren't. You are a victim and that's very sad, what's worse is that you are making yourself the victim- not him.  He doesn't love you, as his actions so clearly demonstrate.  He's not doing anything wrong he's just putting up with a sweet arrangement for him while he's at a loose end.  He didn't make you the victim you're choosing it! 

Third verse- you stared him in the eye and told him you loved him and wanted him and he's staring at a wall?  You're asking "do you even like me at all"?  This definitely isn't love Ginny.  Maybe he's staring at the wall because he's trying to subtly let you know that the writing is on it- no he doesn't like you, please stop talking about love to him, what is wrong with you?  Also, if he's staring at the TV and not talking to you here's a list of things you could do- read a book, do your nails, have a bath, go out with your friends, find a new place to live, get on your tinder account and find out who's hot and within 100 meters of your location(really, you couldn't do much worse than this guy...).

The ending- Omg Ginny!!!! You're actually pleading with the guy to love you?  Your self respect has hit an all time low.  Oh god Ginny I feel sick inside for you.  When you really do meet the right guy you won't need to ask for anything.  You will feel full to the brim with happiness, and really anything less is just not worth it.  Single life and friendships are really so much fun and so fulfilling that you should only really depart from it for something that you can't bear to be without.  The real deal isn't complicated or hard at all, it works, it happens, it fizzes, because it's right for two people(or more if that's what you're into).  
Please Ginny- write a song to show us you've recovered from this horrible part of your life.  Write a strong self loving song and maybe pour some hate on this guy.  Perhaps listen to some Alanis Morrisette for inspiration?  Here's a hug for you Ginny, right down to your bones.

PS. Music videos tend to make heartbreak look romantic- it sure isn't like that in real life, it's actually really shit.
Ginny Blackmore- Bones

Monday, 25 August 2014


There were no official photographers


I'm getting sick of all the cheesy wedding pictures coming up on my newsfeed.  And to be honest knowing someone planning a wedding has become a pretty tiresome event.  Lately it seems that a lot bride-to-be's think that they must be a minor celebrity and are planning their weddings like they're Kim Kardashian. From the overly detailed analysis of what colour and style napkins to the over the top cakes and dresses, it all just makes me want to scream, "it's just one day"! 
I'm not that old(cringe),but when I got married 17yrs ago the most exciting thing about it was becoming my husbands wife and declaring our undying love in front of each other and our loved ones.  It was a magical day, out in the sun in an open field with a reception in a converted barn afterwards.  Did we have napkins? I don't even remember, if we did I had no part in choosing them.  The truth is that I was in such a hurry to marry this man that I couldn't have cared less where or how we did it.  I knew I wanted my friend by my side and I had no say in what she wore and didn't even see her outfit till the day of the wedding.  I couldn't have cared less what she was wearing as long as she was there. My husband organised the cake, again I didn't see it till I got there and voila it was a chocolate gateau volcano! 
We had decided to get married a week after starting to go out with each other and at Christmas time when my future in-laws asked when we were going to get married I said- anytime they wanted to organise it.  So the wedding was planned for March. My husband and I made a freaky collage for a wedding invitation, colour copied them and mailed them out.  I bought a dress, couldn't be bothered with shoes so decided to go barefoot.  Two weeks before the wedding I went to a florist and asked if they could organise flowers.  The florist smiled and started flipping months ahead in her diary and looked up at me smiling with her eyes all sanguine and asked for the date of the wedding.  She slapped the book shut in horror and disbelief when I told her.  It was inconceivable to her.  In the end I brought her back to her senses by asking her if she seriously couldn't make me two bouquets of flowers and two buttonholes in two weeks time when she was clearly surrounded by flowers.  She nodded and remained semi speechless, but of course she managed to get the flowers organised- good grief.
the invite
A couple of days before the wedding I went into a pharmacy and let them know I was looking for some make up for my wedding- I don't usually wear make-up.  The same nodding, smiling, encouraging looks, the enquiry as to the date of my wedding followed by the horror stricken looks on their faces!!! But have you had a facial? No, should I? No, not now it's too late!!!  What amuses me still is that they were acting like I was the crazy one!!!

 Getting married is actually really easy, you just get a marriage licence and a person legally able to marry you and you just get married.  It's actually all the industry around weddings that makes it all so hard and sucks people into thinking that they have to follow all their made up conventions and rules.  Wedding magazines, expos, cake makers, TV shows etc. are all cashing in on this highly lucrative market.  So many tiny details are now highly managed and what really sickens me is that it really seems that a lot of brides are more excited about the wedding than the actual marriage.  This is really not good, it is disturbing, because guess what?  After that one really expensive day with your fifth wedding dress on and your fancy shoes and all your friends and your 18 tier multi flavoured cake and all your stupid photos(oh look how I angelically touched the doves wing as it flew past)and your 20 bridesmaids and the limousines, after that guess what? You're married.  At this point you probably really want to hope you married your soul mate and eternal love because if not you just threw a massive stressful party that probably took 2 years or more to plan for someone that's just ok.  On the plus side if you enjoyed the whole crazy process you could do it all again with someone else.
If you really like wearing pretty dresses and having parties then by all means do it!  Just don't think you've got to find  someone to marry you so you can do it.  You could probably buy a cake and a new dress and have a party every second weekend for less than what the average wedding costs these days.  You'll know you've met the right person for you because you won't give a shit what you're wearing and where you are when you tie the knot- well at least the details should pale in to insignificance.
If you are having a massively over organised indulgent wedding soon, I hope you enjoy it- it's likely to be the last time you're able to dress up like a princess, you'll be working the rest of your life to pay it off and maybe raise some children for the next 20yrs or so- and that ain't glamorous- maybe we should all wear black to our weddings and weep... 
This wedding dress is made entirely out of divorce papers. Keeping it real!

Thursday, 14 August 2014


Why is my daughter a slut?


Many times I've heard that my teenage daughter is a SLUT.  If she is, what does this actually mean?  What immediately springs to mind is that she must be having sex with a lot of guys because that's what a SLUT is right?  Is it age dependant? Is "SLUT" just a term for young girls that have sex? Who is responsible for labelling her such a thing- mostly other girls it seems.  Are boys SLUTs too?
I've thought about this a lot lately because I don't think my daughter is a SLUT and if she was the definition of SLUT- having loose sexual morals or being sexually promiscuous- then what should I think about this?
My daughter is 14 and has had a couple of long term relationships.  That in itself may seem a bit off but let me assure you that she is a very mature 14yr old.  She is very attractive, very smart and very talented and popular amongst her peers.  The social media world is both supportive and cruel.  We tend to discuss the things said to her and put them in their right place, but the word that has stood out to me is- SLUT.
SLUT seems to be used as a word to mark a girl as dirty, easy, and eager for sex anywhere, anytime.  At my daughters age I very much hope that this is not a description that fits her.  But how does her behaviour become marked as SLUTTY? She certainly enjoys close personal relationships with boys, she seems to enjoy a level of intimacy with them too.  This is a difficult situation as a parent as how does one decide what is appropriate and what is not appropriate?  In our home we have an open dialogue about sex and relationships.  I don't want my kids to have to sneak around behind my back pretending to be all good and proper whilst doing the exact opposite.  Our kids can bring their boyfriends/girlfriends home with them giving us the opportunity to get to know them.  So given that I have met her boyfriends and had them in our home regularly and that we have an open dialogue about it all- is she a dirty SLUT?  Some people say so, mostly other teenage girls.  They probably say it because they know it hurts. Maybe it's jealousy- it's most certainly not meant as a good term an affirmation of her great skills at being a hot young girl.
Let's look at things from a different perspective.  If a young woman, confident in her own body, did like to enjoy sex with several partners over time, is there anything wrong with that?  I think that if you enjoy sex and are doing so with a willing participant then that is absolutely fine.  It's your body to do with what you want.  Most people probably agree in regards to adults but probably  not for young women.  The law says that 16 is the age of consent for sex in NZ and this sets a boundary for parents and children in regards to choices about sex.  This is by no means a one size fits all rule.  Many young people would not be ready for a sexual relationship at this age ( I certainly wasn't) and many would have been ready for a while.  I've heard a lot of (mostly Dad's) talk about getting the shotgun out to protect their Daughters from the dangers of sex with young men and by contrast the "fill your boots"  attitude to their Son's sexual life.  So why the difference in attitude between the sexes? Clearly the danger to young women is pregnancy, this would create much more problems for girls and they should offered options to avoid this now that contraception is available.  Shouldn't we also offer our daughters the freedom to choose when they want to have sex as is offered to young men? I find the ownership of women's sexuality insulting.  It seems that the hierarchy goes like this
>Government>Father>Young woman.
When young men sleep with young women they get to experience a camaraderie, an exciting transition to manhood, a collective high five!  Thank goodness for those SLUTS that make this thrill possible.  By contrast for girls there seems to be an idea that she has lost something, not gained it.  She is now dirtied for all time and heaven forbid that she do it again- especially if she also seems to enjoy it.  What a SLUT! So the teenage girls say, and I reckon the boys have an ear out for who the SLUT's are, of course they do, they don't want to waste time on a frigid girlfriend they want some easy access SLUT's to have some fun  with. That's why teenage girls are quick to call "SLUT" , because SLUT's ruin their chances at love, SLUT's get all the attention and so "nice girls" should hate SLUT's.  It doesn't matter if you are actually a SLUT or not, if you are getting too much attention then you should be labelled a SLUT so that everyone knows you are dirty, unclean and already used.
I'm against anyone being pressured for sex.  Sex is to be enjoyed by two people who actively want to participate in.  The best I can hope for for my daughter is that she gets to enjoy her first sexual experience with someone she chooses, when she chooses to and when she is ready.  I hope that afterwards she won't feel like a SLUT but like a woman in charge of herself stepping into adult life when she chooses. 
Girls calling Girls SLUT's -they're nasty, immature and probably a SLUT themselves!