Monday, 25 August 2014


There were no official photographers


I'm getting sick of all the cheesy wedding pictures coming up on my newsfeed.  And to be honest knowing someone planning a wedding has become a pretty tiresome event.  Lately it seems that a lot bride-to-be's think that they must be a minor celebrity and are planning their weddings like they're Kim Kardashian. From the overly detailed analysis of what colour and style napkins to the over the top cakes and dresses, it all just makes me want to scream, "it's just one day"! 
I'm not that old(cringe),but when I got married 17yrs ago the most exciting thing about it was becoming my husbands wife and declaring our undying love in front of each other and our loved ones.  It was a magical day, out in the sun in an open field with a reception in a converted barn afterwards.  Did we have napkins? I don't even remember, if we did I had no part in choosing them.  The truth is that I was in such a hurry to marry this man that I couldn't have cared less where or how we did it.  I knew I wanted my friend by my side and I had no say in what she wore and didn't even see her outfit till the day of the wedding.  I couldn't have cared less what she was wearing as long as she was there. My husband organised the cake, again I didn't see it till I got there and voila it was a chocolate gateau volcano! 
We had decided to get married a week after starting to go out with each other and at Christmas time when my future in-laws asked when we were going to get married I said- anytime they wanted to organise it.  So the wedding was planned for March. My husband and I made a freaky collage for a wedding invitation, colour copied them and mailed them out.  I bought a dress, couldn't be bothered with shoes so decided to go barefoot.  Two weeks before the wedding I went to a florist and asked if they could organise flowers.  The florist smiled and started flipping months ahead in her diary and looked up at me smiling with her eyes all sanguine and asked for the date of the wedding.  She slapped the book shut in horror and disbelief when I told her.  It was inconceivable to her.  In the end I brought her back to her senses by asking her if she seriously couldn't make me two bouquets of flowers and two buttonholes in two weeks time when she was clearly surrounded by flowers.  She nodded and remained semi speechless, but of course she managed to get the flowers organised- good grief.
the invite
A couple of days before the wedding I went into a pharmacy and let them know I was looking for some make up for my wedding- I don't usually wear make-up.  The same nodding, smiling, encouraging looks, the enquiry as to the date of my wedding followed by the horror stricken looks on their faces!!! But have you had a facial? No, should I? No, not now it's too late!!!  What amuses me still is that they were acting like I was the crazy one!!!

 Getting married is actually really easy, you just get a marriage licence and a person legally able to marry you and you just get married.  It's actually all the industry around weddings that makes it all so hard and sucks people into thinking that they have to follow all their made up conventions and rules.  Wedding magazines, expos, cake makers, TV shows etc. are all cashing in on this highly lucrative market.  So many tiny details are now highly managed and what really sickens me is that it really seems that a lot of brides are more excited about the wedding than the actual marriage.  This is really not good, it is disturbing, because guess what?  After that one really expensive day with your fifth wedding dress on and your fancy shoes and all your friends and your 18 tier multi flavoured cake and all your stupid photos(oh look how I angelically touched the doves wing as it flew past)and your 20 bridesmaids and the limousines, after that guess what? You're married.  At this point you probably really want to hope you married your soul mate and eternal love because if not you just threw a massive stressful party that probably took 2 years or more to plan for someone that's just ok.  On the plus side if you enjoyed the whole crazy process you could do it all again with someone else.
If you really like wearing pretty dresses and having parties then by all means do it!  Just don't think you've got to find  someone to marry you so you can do it.  You could probably buy a cake and a new dress and have a party every second weekend for less than what the average wedding costs these days.  You'll know you've met the right person for you because you won't give a shit what you're wearing and where you are when you tie the knot- well at least the details should pale in to insignificance.
If you are having a massively over organised indulgent wedding soon, I hope you enjoy it- it's likely to be the last time you're able to dress up like a princess, you'll be working the rest of your life to pay it off and maybe raise some children for the next 20yrs or so- and that ain't glamorous- maybe we should all wear black to our weddings and weep... 
This wedding dress is made entirely out of divorce papers. Keeping it real!

Thursday, 14 August 2014


Why is my daughter a slut?


Many times I've heard that my teenage daughter is a SLUT.  If she is, what does this actually mean?  What immediately springs to mind is that she must be having sex with a lot of guys because that's what a SLUT is right?  Is it age dependant? Is "SLUT" just a term for young girls that have sex? Who is responsible for labelling her such a thing- mostly other girls it seems.  Are boys SLUTs too?
I've thought about this a lot lately because I don't think my daughter is a SLUT and if she was the definition of SLUT- having loose sexual morals or being sexually promiscuous- then what should I think about this?
My daughter is 14 and has had a couple of long term relationships.  That in itself may seem a bit off but let me assure you that she is a very mature 14yr old.  She is very attractive, very smart and very talented and popular amongst her peers.  The social media world is both supportive and cruel.  We tend to discuss the things said to her and put them in their right place, but the word that has stood out to me is- SLUT.
SLUT seems to be used as a word to mark a girl as dirty, easy, and eager for sex anywhere, anytime.  At my daughters age I very much hope that this is not a description that fits her.  But how does her behaviour become marked as SLUTTY? She certainly enjoys close personal relationships with boys, she seems to enjoy a level of intimacy with them too.  This is a difficult situation as a parent as how does one decide what is appropriate and what is not appropriate?  In our home we have an open dialogue about sex and relationships.  I don't want my kids to have to sneak around behind my back pretending to be all good and proper whilst doing the exact opposite.  Our kids can bring their boyfriends/girlfriends home with them giving us the opportunity to get to know them.  So given that I have met her boyfriends and had them in our home regularly and that we have an open dialogue about it all- is she a dirty SLUT?  Some people say so, mostly other teenage girls.  They probably say it because they know it hurts. Maybe it's jealousy- it's most certainly not meant as a good term an affirmation of her great skills at being a hot young girl.
Let's look at things from a different perspective.  If a young woman, confident in her own body, did like to enjoy sex with several partners over time, is there anything wrong with that?  I think that if you enjoy sex and are doing so with a willing participant then that is absolutely fine.  It's your body to do with what you want.  Most people probably agree in regards to adults but probably  not for young women.  The law says that 16 is the age of consent for sex in NZ and this sets a boundary for parents and children in regards to choices about sex.  This is by no means a one size fits all rule.  Many young people would not be ready for a sexual relationship at this age ( I certainly wasn't) and many would have been ready for a while.  I've heard a lot of (mostly Dad's) talk about getting the shotgun out to protect their Daughters from the dangers of sex with young men and by contrast the "fill your boots"  attitude to their Son's sexual life.  So why the difference in attitude between the sexes? Clearly the danger to young women is pregnancy, this would create much more problems for girls and they should offered options to avoid this now that contraception is available.  Shouldn't we also offer our daughters the freedom to choose when they want to have sex as is offered to young men? I find the ownership of women's sexuality insulting.  It seems that the hierarchy goes like this
>Government>Father>Young woman.
When young men sleep with young women they get to experience a camaraderie, an exciting transition to manhood, a collective high five!  Thank goodness for those SLUTS that make this thrill possible.  By contrast for girls there seems to be an idea that she has lost something, not gained it.  She is now dirtied for all time and heaven forbid that she do it again- especially if she also seems to enjoy it.  What a SLUT! So the teenage girls say, and I reckon the boys have an ear out for who the SLUT's are, of course they do, they don't want to waste time on a frigid girlfriend they want some easy access SLUT's to have some fun  with. That's why teenage girls are quick to call "SLUT" , because SLUT's ruin their chances at love, SLUT's get all the attention and so "nice girls" should hate SLUT's.  It doesn't matter if you are actually a SLUT or not, if you are getting too much attention then you should be labelled a SLUT so that everyone knows you are dirty, unclean and already used.
I'm against anyone being pressured for sex.  Sex is to be enjoyed by two people who actively want to participate in.  The best I can hope for for my daughter is that she gets to enjoy her first sexual experience with someone she chooses, when she chooses to and when she is ready.  I hope that afterwards she won't feel like a SLUT but like a woman in charge of herself stepping into adult life when she chooses. 
Girls calling Girls SLUT's -they're nasty, immature and probably a SLUT themselves!