Monday, 18 May 2015

HIS-TO WRECK-TO-ME (Hysterectomy)



I appreciate the freedom that I have as a woman in this modern society.  I am so grateful that I am legally entitled to have equal rights with men and I worship the strong women who came before me that blazed a trail towards this goal.  Thank you to the women, and any men whom also supported them.  Were I born many other places in the world I might have been in a far different predicament and many aspects of my life could be grim indeed.  So I am grateful and blessed for my rights, but I still notice the stupid shit that gets whispered about on the down-low, or laughed about in the work place- the everyday sexism that lurks about, and it makes me feel RAGE!!!!! That’s right – your sexist thoughts and words makes me RAGE- and not because I’m on my fucking period, Man, just because I’m angry about being treated unfairly because I have a womb.   Well, in the mean time while we wait for society to make its slow change towards gender equality- I’ve got a solution- but it’s drastic.
Take my womb away please

For the amount of squeamishness that men act out when menstrual periods are mentioned they sure don’t mind bringing it up as a belittling statement towards their co-workers.  “She’s got her period- she’s acting like a bitch”.  Well I usually like to respond like this “Do you know that she’s got her period?”, “ Have you checked that she’s bleeding?”, “ Did you see her blood?” and “What’s your excuse when you’re having a bad day or a bad moment?- Nothing- you’re just an arsehole at those times aren’t you”?   It seems like if a woman is not behaving sweetly towards her co-workers she must be half crazed by period madness.  Maybe she is or maybe- just like other normal functioning humans- she’s just angry.  So, stop thinking about our bloody vagina’s and start coping with conflict, just like you would with anyone else.  We don’t wonder if you’ve got a bulging ball sack when you’re angry- dick.

Now there’s the trouble of the womb.  Fortunately us chicks can have one of those and choose to use it to have babies or not.  Also, after we’ve had those babies we don’t turn into blithering, incapacitated idiots who can no longer function well enough to do productive work. In fact we’re still able to care for a brand new child while bleeding from the vagina and oozing milk from our breasts and still recovering from the emotional and physical trauma of birth.  Don’t bother asking a Mum if she can handle stress- she can.  Maternity leave now ensures that jobs get kept for us after we’ve had the baby too which is a great idea since not all women dream of staying at home (the hardest occupation of all- low pay and poor working conditions) forever to raise kids (This douche bag seems to think we’d all be happier if we did.  Probably the best thing for this guy to experience is a life sentence at home raising children for his crimes against women). Maternity leave is poorly understood by society.  Many people incorrectly think that women get to leave work, have their baby and then serenely while away a few months at home at the expense of their employers.  This idea is caused by ignorance.  Employers are not legally required to pay Maternity leave (though they may choose to)  but they are required to keep a women’s jobs available while she recovers from having her baby.

So, lucky women, we get Maternity leave- a hard fought for allowance in order to allow women the equal right of choosing to work and have children.  Great huh?  And the guys too are entitled to some maternity leave – in fact you can work it out amongst yourselves and decide who’s staying at home for the maternity leave and who’s going back to work- neat.  But hang on- the woman’s got a womb remember- she’s an out of control lunatic.  It would be important to ask her how she’s going to manage balancing work and home life when she applies for a job wouldn’t it?  Just in case the raving womb filled idiot hasn’t considered this before heading out to find a job.  It’s probably just best when you’re looking at hiring a new employee to forget about the problematic woman and hire the man.  All those problems like maternity leave and childcare won’t be a hassle for him since he will have that all sorted.  Once he’s ejaculated his well organised sperm into the womb vessel everything takes care of itself and he needn’t be troubled at all by his children, leaving him free to do the important, valuable work(you see when women do work for free its considered by society as not valuable and unemployed).  What a great guy!

An Employer should still consider the risk to their business though, men are quite a risky bunch in their choices of behaviour-after all they have this dangerous hormone coursing through them called testosterone that makes them prone to anger and violence. They could be a risk to your fleet of cars since they are more likely to drive at speed, they might smash things if they can’t control their hormonal urges. Because they have penises and testosterone they might accidentally rape someone whilst they are trapped in a fog of lust and anger, and there’s also the chance that they could become violent and hurt someone.  Do Employers consider the penis as well as the womb?  Enlighten me please if you have heard of this.  It seems relatively uncommon.

Here’s the solution you’ve been waiting for womenfolk.  Should you be concerned that your womb will get in the way of getting a job, because of the inconvenience you may cause by becoming pregnant, then don’t worry.  If you’re between the ages of 19-45 and you’re serious about your career- get a hysterectomy and put it on your CV.  That way your potential child bearing ability is no longer going to hold you back.  If you already have children and you’re a woman (it won’t affect you if you’re a man)you’re pretty fucked really.  I suggest these options- lying about them, adopt them out,  orl eave them with their Father and move in to a house on your own.  If you’re a man and you’re concerned about the impact your penis may have on your job opportunities then just chop that bad boy off!

Sunday, 3 May 2015




I’m a lazy busy person.  So- I get done what needs to be done- and for me that’s a lot of things.  It’s work, it’s washing, cooking, lunchbox packing, note signing, exercising, party planning, blog writing, studying, drum practising and in general managing the logistics of a family of five where no one else thinks about much more than what they need at any one time.  The rest of the time- I’m lazy- because I can be, and scarred into my memory are the toddler years where there was no downtime whatsoever.  In the weekends I sleep in till close to midday(while the organisers are doing organising and cleaning things- jokes on you bitches) and in the evenings I sit on the couch and watch trash TV till I fall asleep.  I like clean and organised houses and gardens though, and I reckon they’d be more relaxing to be lazy in.  I want one of those houses- I just can’t seem to do it- Is it because I’m so lazy?  Or could there be some other reason?

If I was half as busy as I am now- maybe my house would be amazing... That definitely could be it.  At the moment I’m the jack of all trades and master of none.  If there were no kids in the house then actually the place would be pretty spic and span for most of the time wouldn’t it?  And yet my friend has a toddler and her place is just a wonderful little Zen haven just begging for a mess grenade to be launched at it and I just want to wring her serene neck and smear my hands on her windows- bitch. She’s even made a website about how to make your life more like hers which is pretty amazing and you can check it out here.

Maybe it’s genetic?  Except my Mum is a cleaning psycho and her little house and cottage garden are testimony to the fact that genes are not helping my situation.  And Dad- well let’s just say- gated community and leave it at that.  My siblings are on a spectrum, none of them are high standard clean freaks but none of them live in squalor either (nor do I-mostly).  There’s still time I guess- I could end up with a neat as a pin house and glorious garden like Mum if the kids thing finishes and the genetics kicks in.

I’ve tried to take charge of this situation quite a few times.  There are the New Year’s resolutions, the Pinterest organising board, feasible schedules that I’ve put together, the family chorechart...  Basically I’ve got everything I need to get it all sorted but no success at acting it all out.  I’m organised to be organised but not organised enough to neatly act it out.  I’ve got a feeling it could be self sabotage.  It’s like holding an invisible cleaning gun to my head, taunting myself- it’s within your reach, you could have it, but you’re not going to bitch, just stare at your organising charts and have a panic attack bitch...

Now, just so you don’t think that I’m shallow enough to be yearning for my house to be clean in order to impress others let me reassure you.  I couldn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of my place and I welcome anyone who disapproves to turn right around and leave.   My dear and lovely friends come to see me and quite possibly seeing super Plum Lovely not being perfectly prim probably gives them a shiver of delight and a shot of relaxation.  They also probably don’t give a shit at all since my super personable qualities probably transcend any feelings about house cleanliness.

After years of ruminating on my failure to launch any kind of cleaning or organising regime I’ve finally come up with a feasible excuse for my actions (or inactions).  Here it is- I’m creative!  It’s a good excuse this one- let me illuminate you.  I’m extroverted and easily distracted- not good qualities for diligent duties like spending fucking hours lining up boxes, baskets, blankets and bing bongs (I don’t know).   I’m not the kind of creative that can draw, or paint, or sew, or make anything except some pretty fabulous food to shove in your cake hole and dress a fat body to look slimmer. I’m a story teller and I’m creative at getting things done with the least possible effort.  I guess that’s why people always wonder how I can get so much done and not lose my fucked up little mind. Well the reason is – because I’m not doing all that other cleaning and organising stuff that they’re doing, I’m doing what the hell I want- probably sitting on my arse watching ‘Come Dine With Me’ while stressing about how I’m going to get my assignment done and coming up with creative ideas about how I’ll do it given that I’m using some perfectly good time doing nothing right now...

Every few weeks I do still have a go at whipping things into shape though.  I’m creative like that.  The family chore chart gets resurrected every now and again and the kids roll their eyes and state the obvious- that it won’t be in action for long.  The best time to get the kids to do jobs is when they want something.  “Yes your friends can come and stay- if you clean your room and make dinner” is a win-win situation.  And also I would be remiss as a Mother if I did not teach them how to cook and clean!

Maybe I also enjoy living on the edge just a little, a rebel against the system- rebelling against the chore of domesticity- a conscientious objector!  Yes!  That’s it!  I’m a creative feminist, rebelling against the torment and slow soul death of domestic life. I OBJECT.  I still would like a clean, tidy, serene house though; can someone help me with that...?