Why is my daughter a slut?
Many times I've heard that my teenage daughter is a SLUT. If she is, what does this actually mean? What immediately springs to mind is that she must be having sex with a lot of guys because that's what a SLUT is right? Is it age dependant? Is "SLUT" just a term for young girls that have sex? Who is responsible for labelling her such a thing- mostly other girls it seems. Are boys SLUTs too?
I've thought about this a lot lately because I don't think my daughter is a SLUT and if she was the definition of SLUT- having loose sexual morals or being sexually promiscuous- then what should I think about this?
My daughter is 14 and has had a couple of long term relationships. That in itself may seem a bit off but let me assure you that she is a very mature 14yr old. She is very attractive, very smart and very talented and popular amongst her peers. The social media world is both supportive and cruel. We tend to discuss the things said to her and put them in their right place, but the word that has stood out to me is- SLUT.
SLUT seems to be used as a word to mark a girl as dirty, easy, and eager for sex anywhere, anytime. At my daughters age I very much hope that this is not a description that fits her. But how does her behaviour become marked as SLUTTY? She certainly enjoys close personal relationships with boys, she seems to enjoy a level of intimacy with them too. This is a difficult situation as a parent as how does one decide what is appropriate and what is not appropriate? In our home we have an open dialogue about sex and relationships. I don't want my kids to have to sneak around behind my back pretending to be all good and proper whilst doing the exact opposite. Our kids can bring their boyfriends/girlfriends home with them giving us the opportunity to get to know them. So given that I have met her boyfriends and had them in our home regularly and that we have an open dialogue about it all- is she a dirty SLUT? Some people say so, mostly other teenage girls. They probably say it because they know it hurts. Maybe it's jealousy- it's most certainly not meant as a good term an affirmation of her great skills at being a hot young girl.
Let's look at things from a different perspective. If a young woman, confident in her own body, did like to enjoy sex with several partners over time, is there anything wrong with that? I think that if you enjoy sex and are doing so with a willing participant then that is absolutely fine. It's your body to do with what you want. Most people probably agree in regards to adults but probably not for young women. The law says that 16 is the age of consent for sex in NZ and this sets a boundary for parents and children in regards to choices about sex. This is by no means a one size fits all rule. Many young people would not be ready for a sexual relationship at this age ( I certainly wasn't) and many would have been ready for a while. I've heard a lot of (mostly Dad's) talk about getting the shotgun out to protect their Daughters from the dangers of sex with young men and by contrast the "fill your boots" attitude to their Son's sexual life. So why the difference in attitude between the sexes? Clearly the danger to young women is pregnancy, this would create much more problems for girls and they should offered options to avoid this now that contraception is available. Shouldn't we also offer our daughters the freedom to choose when they want to have sex as is offered to young men? I find the ownership of women's sexuality insulting. It seems that the hierarchy goes like this
When young men sleep with young women they get to experience a camaraderie, an exciting transition to manhood, a collective high five! Thank goodness for those SLUTS that make this thrill possible. By contrast for girls there seems to be an idea that she has lost something, not gained it. She is now dirtied for all time and heaven forbid that she do it again- especially if she also seems to enjoy it. What a SLUT! So the teenage girls say, and I reckon the boys have an ear out for who the SLUT's are, of course they do, they don't want to waste time on a frigid girlfriend they want some easy access SLUT's to have some fun with. That's why teenage girls are quick to call "SLUT" , because SLUT's ruin their chances at love, SLUT's get all the attention and so "nice girls" should hate SLUT's. It doesn't matter if you are actually a SLUT or not, if you are getting too much attention then you should be labelled a SLUT so that everyone knows you are dirty, unclean and already used.
I'm against anyone being pressured for sex. Sex is to be enjoyed by two people who actively want to participate in. The best I can hope for for my daughter is that she gets to enjoy her first sexual experience with someone she chooses, when she chooses to and when she is ready. I hope that afterwards she won't feel like a SLUT but like a woman in charge of herself stepping into adult life when she chooses.
Girls calling Girls SLUT's -they're nasty, immature and probably a SLUT themselves!