Sunday, 11 December 2016

Why Christmas Makes Me See Red!

Getting fired up over Christmas!  I feel triggered

‘Tis the season to be jolly fucked off I reckon, especially in my family where we have two birthdays in December as well (followed by two in fucking Jolly January).  I totally wish that I got as excited as a cherubic, naive, little child as the month of December inched ever closer with its giant sleigh of financial and time burdens in tow, but alas – those days are over for this Grinch bitch.

Here’s how Christmas could be great for me.  Someone, maybe a fairy godmother type ethereal being, turns up with a Christmas tree, switches on some Christmas music, decorates the house with the sights, sounds and smells of Christmas, wraps presents noisily and excitedly in a nearby room, offers me chocolates and creates a menu for Christmas Day that they are going to execute with zero help from me. 

They arrange for all my loved ones to come together in one giant, peaceful, happiness fest, and organise suitable accommodation so that we can all be together in a happy haze as though we’ve all just downed Christmas ecstasy pills with our rose champagne. Any mess would just magically disappear in the twinkling of a Christmas angel’s eye, as though it had never even been there.  The only evidence of Christmas approaching would be a gently rising excitement flushing over me, building up to the equivalent of a Christmas orgasm.

Enough with the childish fantasies! This is what really happens to me at Christmas.  I can sense Christmas Satan coming with his sleigh of evil elves.  The stores get viciously threatening by hanging their intimidating decorations up, it’s a warning –  Satan and his Christmas Mafia are coming – you better pay up.  Time speeds up so that people look like they’re moving in fast forward and yet I’m in that dream like state where I’m trying to run but nothing’s happening.  All around the warnings are whispered insidiously into my mind ‘Christmas is coming, Christmas is coming...’

I can’t focus properly, the Christmas mafia are after me and I still have two birthdays to take care of, and a work do to organise, and all these end of year school events to attend.   A lot of people start acting like evil elves and furiously shop, do their gardening, clean their houses and take care of their whole lives work as though the world is actually going to end on Christmas Day!  Some of the spiteful bastards see me just getting on with normal life and are determined to make sure I’m aware that Satan is coming, and they cleverly smile with their teeth and crinkly eyes as they deliver the blood curdling question “have you done your Christmas shopping yet?”  I play it cool and sinister and let them know – I’m doing mine at the last minute- that stops them in their seasonal stride.

Even though I’m lurking in the shadows of Christmas and not operating in the frenzied, fake, tinsel-fuelled hell that many people are, I’m still subjected to annoying issues as a result of things like the sudden need for everyone to drive into town and take all the parks.  How the fuck am I supposed to feel Christmassy when I can’t even get a park at the supermarket!!!

Despite the horrors of Xmas I still eventually have to force myself to create the sort of atmosphere mentioned above for the sake of my family’s enjoyment, and lifelong memories of joy that will sustain them throughout their lives.  So at the last minute I will conjure up a delightful menu of food, heartfelt gifts, Christmas lilies that make the house smell like Christmas smelled when I was a kid, and I will kick Christmas’s ass! I will sweat out my dreams in the kitchen and enjoy the sounds of my family enjoying themselves, and I will clean up even though I feel like shooting a gun at a line up of Santas.

And the Christmas joy for me is knowing that my Mum did all that for me and my siblings, and I loved it, that boxing day is the best day of the Christmas holidays now for me, and that I have three kids who are teenagers and eventually they will do all this, and I will enjoy a Christmas smorgasbord of delight at their houses in the near future and then I will be singing Christmas carols at the top of my awful voice.

Merry Fucking Christmas Everyone!