Wednesday, 3 May 2017

The Bachelor Games

The Bachelor's 'Simple Simon' Zac

Clearly I need a lobotomy because I’m still watching New Zealand’s most desperate and dateless girls all scrapping it out over one equally desperate Simple Simon.  I don’t know why I do it, but I suspect it’s because I’m just the right mix of romantic and bitchy, and let’s face it The Bachelor is great fodder for bitching and gossiping.

I do wish I could understand the starry eyed, tear inducing adoration for Zac that ‘the girls’ seem to have but I’m really struggling to find anything interesting about him at all.  He’s neither eye-candy nor really intelligent, nor funny.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he’s a bad guy, just as boring as a yawning, intoxicated girl at a cocktail party.  I don’t know anything about Zac except that he was a lifeguard and has suffered from depression, and you would think that with all the dates he’s been on we’d know more than that by now.

There’s only five districts, oops I mean girls, left in the game and Zac is really getting his traumatised face down pat after every elimination.  I’m ‘really glad’ he’s there; it has been amazing to see him ‘really open up’ and ‘let his walls down’.  I like to know ‘how he’s feeling’ as frequently as possible so it’s ‘really important’ for him to ‘take the next step’ so he can ‘take things to the next level’.  He’s there for ‘the right reasons’ after all he’s ‘looking for love’ and he’s got ‘strong feelings’ growing.

Thank goodness for Lily!  She is legit the best thing about The Bachelor.  She knows what she’s doing, she’s just relaxing and enjoying the vibe whilst toying with Zac like a cat does with a bird before it’s mangled enough to eat.  Lily has everything she needs, booze, travel, accommodation and a bozo that’s spellbound enough to keep her there for the long run.

Dear young Claudia the ‘fanny blocker’ will provide the soft place to fall when Lily dumps Zac’s picked over carcass aside and packs her bags for more stimulating pastures.  To be honest I think they’re a great match, they’ve got chemistry, and nice cosy simple minds.  They’ll have happy, robust, dumb kids together.

If I hear another tearful sniffle of ‘I just need more time with Zac’ I’ll eliminate the whinging bitch myself.  I’ve watched these girls constantly sitting by the pool, drinking cocktails, dressing up for cocktail parties, travelling, and going on great ‘group dates’, why the fuck would they need to see more of Zac.  Be elusive bitch, there’s a reason you’re on The Bachelor – what you’ve been doing isn’t working because you’re coming across as clingy...  Also, don’t give us that ‘it’s hard’ bullshit, it looks pretty easy to me - apart from submerging yourself in an ice bath in order to get alone time with Zac – truly desperate love.

The storm of emotions leading up to the rose ceremony is sickening.  One would think that Zac was going to use a ‘hunger games’ style elimination and remove a girl with a bullet to the head with the amount of weeping and quivering going on.  It would be a whole different game if that’s how things went.  You’d have to be next level desperate or utterly ruthless to enter.  Zac would be getting more than just sneaky kisses at the cocktail party as the girls fought for survival no matter what. 

They’d still be all pathetic and tearful at the rose ceremony, clinging to each other and trying to pull Zac aside, but it would be totally understandable because once all the roses were handed out and one girl was left standing without one, the girls would know that she was not staying, but she was definitely not going home.  Dom would sinisterly walk in with a loaded hand gun, and say ‘**** you did not get a rose, you have been eliminated, take a minute and say your goodbyes’. The girls would be desperately relieved that they’ve survived another day but sad and horrified that a girl is about to be properly eliminated from their midst. They’d hug and cry just like usual and then Dom would come and put a bullet between her eyes and Zac would look all traumatised and sad – like usual.

 Have any of ‘the girls’ discussed how the prize package actually isn’t as good as the game?  Really just competing is the prize.  I’d much rather win the travel and stuff than Zac, what the hell would I do with him- have a long conversation about whether we’re ‘opening up enough’?  I think if I got to the final two I’d make sure I didn’t win, and if that didn’t work I’d have to use the ‘Mauger Manouver’ and cut loose quicker than a man looking for love and then deciding he wanted something more casual.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Bad Meme-ories

When I wake up in the morning I do not prowl around the house looking for coffee to remedy some sort of psychotic rage that is unquenchable by any other drink.  Nor do I start counting down the hours till I can start pouring unchecked amounts of wine down my throat, whilst simultaneously hypnotically ingesting as much chocolate as possible.  It might be surprising to know that my husband doesn’t have to hide my credit card and live in constant fear that I’m going to spend the mortgage money on a rampant shopping and shoe habit. 

When I idly scroll through facebook to keep up to date with what my friends and family are up to and to inform myself of the local and international happenings within my grasp, I often find memes that evoke a ‘ffs’ and an eye-roll response.  Frequently I am bombarded with ridiculous memes, many of them that make woman look like drunken, chocolate gorging, out of control idiots.  Worse still, it’s mostly woman perpetuating this stereotype.  Clearly these are not my women.  Women that willingly, even proudly, label themselves as shallow, materialistic, laughing lushes!

Sure I like coffee, but I also like to KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE!  If I can’t have coffee in the morning I can still be a nice, level-headed, functioning human being.  Removing coffee from the morning is not like taking a battery out of a battery operated unit, humans still function.  If you are an arsehole in the morning and coffee is the cure then for goodness sake, make sure that you NEVER run out of coffee, and since your affliction mostly affects those that you are being an arsehole to, you should be kind enough to wake up first and drink your morning dose before anyone else has to bear the brunt of your crippling ailment.  Also remember, it’s you who has the problem – and it’s most likely all in your needy head.   

I like wine.  I don’t think about it all day, or rush in the door after work with shaking hands searching for the nearest bottle of wine and a massive glass.  I like to enjoy wine with friends on social occasions, and I don’t need to invent social occasions just to have an excuse to drink.   Such is my lack of drinking skills that I even have a pretty pitiful tolerance and am on my way to laughy, happy feelings after just a couple of glasses.  I don’t think of wine as a solution as soon as something goes wrong in my life like all the stupid fucking memes suggest.  Like ‘oops, I’ve just crashed my car – wine’ or a similarly stupid solution to a multitude of ordinary problems.  If you think that a wine dispenser on your fridge would be a great idea, or replumbing your house so that beer comes out of your taps instead of water, what you’ve actually got is a drinking problem which no amount of affirming memes are going to make ok.  Pull your socks up ffs!  Just act like a normal person, like me, who occasionally gets shit-faced and smokes cigarettes.

I am a fat, greedy pig.  I like chocolate, sure. But I am not a fuckin lunatic! Let me make it pretty clear, I can walk past chocolate without flinching, I can eat a piece and not need to eat the whole block.  You will not be able to bribe me with chocolate. If you do know a woman who seems hypnotically attracted to the charms of chocolate and loses all willpower and dignity around a bar of the brown stuff then steer clear – that bitch is quite obviously crazy.  Apparently some women think that they can hear chocolate talking to them – clearly they’ve found something in common with nutty chocolate. 

I don’t have many pairs of shoes.  I like shoes, and yeah I like shopping now and again.  Here’s how many times I go shopping a year – maybe five to ten times.  I don’t sneak out of the house with a credit card tucked in my back pocket hoping my husband won’t find out and I certainly don’t take him shopping with me. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOUTAKE YOUR HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND SHOPPING?!!!  On pay day I don’t start planning what things I’m going to buy myself or spend all the mortgage money on extravagant and unnecessary items.  I spend basically none of my time dreaming about shopping.  I feel like I’m suffocating just thinking of all the things I would have if I did have this shallow and materialistic ‘hobby’.

What I’m trying to say here is GET SOME BLOODY PERSPECTIVE!!!! You don’t NEED Coffee, Wine, Chocolate and Shopping to exist on earth and be a nice person. All you really need is shelter, water and food and if you don’t have one of those things then you truly have permission to get a bit wild and desperate.  I bet you won’t be wasting time updating facebook about it ‘lookout everybody, got no water, going batshit crazy #musthavewater’.