When I wake up in the morning I do not prowl around the house looking for coffee to remedy some sort of psychotic rage that is unquenchable by any other drink. Nor do I start counting down the hours till I can start pouring unchecked amounts of wine down my throat, whilst simultaneously hypnotically ingesting as much chocolate as possible. It might be surprising to know that my husband doesn’t have to hide my credit card and live in constant fear that I’m going to spend the mortgage money on a rampant shopping and shoe habit.
When I idly scroll through facebook to keep up to date with what my friends and family are up to and to inform myself of the local and international happenings within my grasp, I often find memes that evoke a ‘ffs’ and an eye-roll response. Frequently I am bombarded with ridiculous memes, many of them that make woman look like drunken, chocolate gorging, out of control idiots. Worse still, it’s mostly woman perpetuating this stereotype. Clearly these are not my women. Women that willingly, even proudly, label themselves as shallow, materialistic, laughing lushes!
Sure I like coffee, but I also like to KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE! If I can’t have coffee in the morning I can still be a nice, level-headed, functioning human being. Removing coffee from the morning is not like taking a battery out of a battery operated unit, humans still function. If you are an arsehole in the morning and coffee is the cure then for goodness sake, make sure that you NEVER run out of coffee, and since your affliction mostly affects those that you are being an arsehole to, you should be kind enough to wake up first and drink your morning dose before anyone else has to bear the brunt of your crippling ailment. Also remember, it’s you who has the problem – and it’s most likely all in your needy head.
I like wine. I don’t think about it all day, or rush in the door after work with shaking hands searching for the nearest bottle of wine and a massive glass. I like to enjoy wine with friends on social occasions, and I don’t need to invent social occasions just to have an excuse to drink. Such is my lack of drinking skills that I even have a pretty pitiful tolerance and am on my way to laughy, happy feelings after just a couple of glasses. I don’t think of wine as a solution as soon as something goes wrong in my life like all the stupid fucking memes suggest. Like ‘oops, I’ve just crashed my car – wine’ or a similarly stupid solution to a multitude of ordinary problems. If you think that a wine dispenser on your fridge would be a great idea, or replumbing your house so that beer comes out of your taps instead of water, what you’ve actually got is a drinking problem which no amount of affirming memes are going to make ok. Pull your socks up ffs! Just act like a normal person, like me, who occasionally gets shit-faced and smokes cigarettes.
I am a fat, greedy pig. I like chocolate, sure. But I am not a fuckin lunatic! Let me make it pretty clear, I can walk past chocolate without flinching, I can eat a piece and not need to eat the whole block. You will not be able to bribe me with chocolate. If you do know a woman who seems hypnotically attracted to the charms of chocolate and loses all willpower and dignity around a bar of the brown stuff then steer clear – that bitch is quite obviously crazy. Apparently some women think that they can hear chocolate talking to them – clearly they’ve found something in common with nutty chocolate.
I don’t have many pairs of shoes. I like shoes, and yeah I like shopping now and again. Here’s how many times I go shopping a year – maybe five to ten times. I don’t sneak out of the house with a credit card tucked in my back pocket hoping my husband won’t find out and I certainly don’t take him shopping with me. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOUTAKE YOUR HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND SHOPPING?!!! On pay day I don’t start planning what things I’m going to buy myself or spend all the mortgage money on extravagant and unnecessary items. I spend basically none of my time dreaming about shopping. I feel like I’m suffocating just thinking of all the things I would have if I did have this shallow and materialistic ‘hobby’.
What I’m trying to say here is GET SOME BLOODY PERSPECTIVE!!!! You don’t NEED Coffee, Wine, Chocolate and Shopping to exist on earth and be a nice person. All you really need is shelter, water and food and if you don’t have one of those things then you truly have permission to get a bit wild and desperate. I bet you won’t be wasting time updating facebook about it ‘lookout everybody, got no water, going batshit crazy #musthavewater’.