Bad Meme-ories

When I wake up in the morning I do not prowl around the house looking for coffee to remedy some sort of psychotic rage that is unquenchable by any other drink.  Nor do I start counting down the hours till I can start pouring unchecked amounts of wine down my throat, whilst simultaneously hypnotically ingesting as much chocolate as possible.  It might be surprising to know that my husband doesn’t have to hide my credit card and live in constant fear that I’m going to spend the mortgage money on a rampant shopping and shoe habit. 

When I idly scroll through facebook to keep up to date with what my friends and family are up to and to inform myself of the local and international happenings within my grasp, I often find memes that evoke a ‘ffs’ and an eye-roll response.  Frequently I am bombarded with ridiculous memes, many of them that make woman look like drunken, chocolate gorging, out of control idiots.  Worse still, it’s mostly woman perpetuating this stereotype.  Clearly these are not my women.  Women that willingly, even proudly, label themselves as shallow, materialistic, laughing lushes!

Sure I like coffee, but I also like to KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE!  If I can’t have coffee in the morning I can still be a nice, level-headed, functioning human being.  Removing coffee from the morning is not like taking a battery out of a battery operated unit, humans still function.  If you are an arsehole in the morning and coffee is the cure then for goodness sake, make sure that you NEVER run out of coffee, and since your affliction mostly affects those that you are being an arsehole to, you should be kind enough to wake up first and drink your morning dose before anyone else has to bear the brunt of your crippling ailment.  Also remember, it’s you who has the problem – and it’s most likely all in your needy head.   

I like wine.  I don’t think about it all day, or rush in the door after work with shaking hands searching for the nearest bottle of wine and a massive glass.  I like to enjoy wine with friends on social occasions, and I don’t need to invent social occasions just to have an excuse to drink.   Such is my lack of drinking skills that I even have a pretty pitiful tolerance and am on my way to laughy, happy feelings after just a couple of glasses.  I don’t think of wine as a solution as soon as something goes wrong in my life like all the stupid fucking memes suggest.  Like ‘oops, I’ve just crashed my car – wine’ or a similarly stupid solution to a multitude of ordinary problems.  If you think that a wine dispenser on your fridge would be a great idea, or replumbing your house so that beer comes out of your taps instead of water, what you’ve actually got is a drinking problem which no amount of affirming memes are going to make ok.  Pull your socks up ffs!  Just act like a normal person, like me, who occasionally gets shit-faced and smokes cigarettes.

I am a fat, greedy pig.  I like chocolate, sure. But I am not a fuckin lunatic! Let me make it pretty clear, I can walk past chocolate without flinching, I can eat a piece and not need to eat the whole block.  You will not be able to bribe me with chocolate. If you do know a woman who seems hypnotically attracted to the charms of chocolate and loses all willpower and dignity around a bar of the brown stuff then steer clear – that bitch is quite obviously crazy.  Apparently some women think that they can hear chocolate talking to them – clearly they’ve found something in common with nutty chocolate. 

I don’t have many pairs of shoes.  I like shoes, and yeah I like shopping now and again.  Here’s how many times I go shopping a year – maybe five to ten times.  I don’t sneak out of the house with a credit card tucked in my back pocket hoping my husband won’t find out and I certainly don’t take him shopping with me. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOUTAKE YOUR HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND SHOPPING?!!!  On pay day I don’t start planning what things I’m going to buy myself or spend all the mortgage money on extravagant and unnecessary items.  I spend basically none of my time dreaming about shopping.  I feel like I’m suffocating just thinking of all the things I would have if I did have this shallow and materialistic ‘hobby’.

What I’m trying to say here is GET SOME BLOODY PERSPECTIVE!!!! You don’t NEED Coffee, Wine, Chocolate and Shopping to exist on earth and be a nice person. All you really need is shelter, water and food and if you don’t have one of those things then you truly have permission to get a bit wild and desperate.  I bet you won’t be wasting time updating facebook about it ‘lookout everybody, got no water, going batshit crazy #musthavewater’.

HIS-TO WRECK-TO-ME (Hysterectomy)

 

 

I appreciate the freedom that I have as a woman in this modern society.  I am so grateful that I am legally entitled to have equal rights with men and I worship the strong women who came before me that blazed a trail towards this goal.  Thank you to the women, and any men whom also supported them.  Were I born many other places in the world I might have been in a far different predicament and many aspects of my life could be grim indeed.  So I am grateful and blessed for my rights, but I still notice the stupid shit that gets whispered about on the down-low, or laughed about in the work place- the everyday sexism that lurks about, and it makes me feel RAGE!!!!! That’s right – your sexist thoughts and words makes me RAGE- and not because I’m on my fucking period, Man, just because I’m angry about being treated unfairly because I have a womb.   Well, in the mean time while we wait for society to make its slow change towards gender equality- I’ve got a solution- but it’s drastic.

Take my womb away please

For the amount of squeamishness that men act out when menstrual periods are mentioned they sure don’t mind bringing it up as a belittling statement towards their co-workers.  “She’s got her period- she’s acting like a bitch”.  Well I usually like to respond like this “Do you know that she’s got her period?”, “ Have you checked that she’s bleeding?”, “ Did you see her blood?” and “What’s your excuse when you’re having a bad day or a bad moment?- Nothing- you’re just an arsehole at those times aren’t you”?   It seems like if a woman is not behaving sweetly towards her co-workers she must be half crazed by period madness.  Maybe she is or maybe- just like other normal functioning humans- she’s just angry.  So, stop thinking about our bloody vagina’s and start coping with conflict, just like you would with anyone else.  We don’t wonder if you’ve got a bulging ball sack when you’re angry- dick.

Now there’s the trouble of the womb.  Fortunately us chicks can have one of those and choose to use it to have babies or not.  Also, after we’ve had those babies we don’t turn into blithering, incapacitated idiots who can no longer function well enough to do productive work. In fact we’re still able to care for a brand new child while bleeding from the vagina and oozing milk from our breasts and still recovering from the emotional and physical trauma of birth.  Don’t bother asking a Mum if she can handle stress- she can.  Maternity leave now ensures that jobs get kept for us after we’ve had the baby too which is a great idea since not all women dream of staying at home (the hardest occupation of all- low pay and poor working conditions) forever to raise kids (This douche bag seems to think we’d all be happier if we did.  Probably the best thing for this guy to experience is a life sentence at home raising children for his crimes against women). Maternity leave is poorly understood by society.  Many people incorrectly think that women get to leave work, have their baby and then serenely while away a few months at home at the expense of their employers.  This idea is caused by ignorance.  Employers are not legally required to pay Maternity leave (though they may choose to)  but they are required to keep a women’s jobs available while she recovers from having her baby.

So, lucky women, we get Maternity leave- a hard fought for allowance in order to allow women the equal right of choosing to work and have children.  Great huh?  And the guys too are entitled to some maternity leave – in fact you can work it out amongst yourselves and decide who’s staying at home for the maternity leave and who’s going back to work- neat.  But hang on- the woman’s got a womb remember- she’s an out of control lunatic.  It would be important to ask her how she’s going to manage balancing work and home life when she applies for a job wouldn’t it?  Just in case the raving womb filled idiot hasn’t considered this before heading out to find a job.  It’s probably just best when you’re looking at hiring a new employee to forget about the problematic woman and hire the man.  All those problems like maternity leave and childcare won’t be a hassle for him since he will have that all sorted.  Once he’s ejaculated his well organised sperm into the womb vessel everything takes care of itself and he needn’t be troubled at all by his children, leaving him free to do the important, valuable work(you see when women do work for free its considered by society as not valuable and unemployed).  What a great guy!

An Employer should still consider the risk to their business though, men are quite a risky bunch in their choices of behaviour-after all they have this dangerous hormone coursing through them called testosterone that makes them prone to anger and violence. They could be a risk to your fleet of cars since they are more likely to drive at speed, they might smash things if they can’t control their hormonal urges. Because they have penises and testosterone they might accidentally rape someone whilst they are trapped in a fog of lust and anger, and there’s also the chance that they could become violent and hurt someone.  Do Employers consider the penis as well as the womb?  Enlighten me please if you have heard of this.  It seems relatively uncommon.

Here’s the solution you’ve been waiting for womenfolk.  Should you be concerned that your womb will get in the way of getting a job, because of the inconvenience you may cause by becoming pregnant, then don’t worry.  If you’re between the ages of 19-45 and you’re serious about your career- get a hysterectomy and put it on your CV.  That way your potential child bearing ability is no longer going to hold you back.  If you already have children and you’re a woman (it won’t affect you if you’re a man)you’re pretty fucked really.  I suggest these options- lying about them, adopt them out,  orl eave them with their Father and move in to a house on your own.  If you’re a man and you’re concerned about the impact your penis may have on your job opportunities then just chop that bad boy off!

What is my name?

Recently I was thinking about using a pseudonym for my writing name and it lead me to experiencing a disturbing epiphany. There isn't a name I could choose from my family that would relate to the women in my ancestry, not one that actually belongs to a woman!  Take a moment to consider that truth...any name you choose will belong to the man that last "owned" that woman.  You may be thinking that I am a stupid raging feminist by now, you're probably thinking: "you can keep your maiden name if you want" or " I kept my name when we got married", but consider this- if you keep your maiden name your are simply keeping the name of your Father, face it- surnames are man tags.   

Your surname most likely doesn't relate to your mothers ancestral line since matrilineal surnames are not very common.  Your surname is most likely to be your Fathers surname, your mother had her fathers surname, until she got married and took your fathers surname or continued to keep her original surname.  You'll either keep your Father's surname or if you are a woman and you marry chances are high that you'll take the name of your husband.  So, to summarise- if you are a man you will most likely inherit your fathers name upon your birth, keep that name throughout your life and eventually pass that on to your children- awesome.  Solid ideas about where you come from, great for tracking genealogy, strong sense of identity.  If you are a woman, you will most likely be born with your fathers name, take the name of your husband upon marriage and your name will not be passed on to any of your children.  No fucking idea where you're from, difficulty tracking genealogy, feeling like you have a slave name! This bothers me- who am I?  Who were my foremothers? Where is my sense of pride and belonging to a long line of women way back into the past?

When I got married I willingly and happily took my husbands name.  There was absolutely no expectation from him that I should, but it was important to me that our future family be unified with one name.  I came from a broken home and knew what it was like to not share the same last name, and the difficulties with my parents divorce meant that I also felt a sense of shame about my Father's name and just wanted to be rid of it.   This is not a sob story segment about my childhood, I'm just framing up my reasons for leaping into taking the next man name on offer. For more reasons on why women choose to take or not to take their husbands names this article covers a few of these things as well as the writers own view on  changing names which is limited to keeping her maiden name and not the concern about her foremothers names.   Very infrequently is it considered that a man will take his wife's name upon marriage (although this man came up with a new and interesting solution with his wife which worked for them).  This would be seen as somewhat effeminate and almost traitorous to this man's proud name.  In saying that I must say that my husband claims that if I had wanted to keep my name he would happily have changed his name to mine(hero).  You see, the reasons that people choose to change their names to their husbands name is not really because men are forcing us to(although 50% of Americans believe that women entering heterosexual marriages should be legally required to take their husbands names), or owning us anymore- it's just an accepted social convention.  And, what makes this convention even easier to continue is that women's last names are so transient, usually only lasting for part of their lifetime, as well as the shocking truth that there are no women's surnames!!!! Fortunately the UN has a convention about women's last names- In 1979, the United Nations adopted the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women ("CEDAW") which declared in effect that women and men, and specifically wife and husband, shall have the same rights to choose a "family name", as well as a "profession" and an "occupation".

My husband and his male family members use their family name with pride, even getting tattoo's with the family shield on it, their family name that they can trace way back to a place and time in England emblazoned proudly on their skin.  I have been bewildered by this seemingly arrogant sense of family patriotism, what were they doing, why are they so proud?  The answer to that question at the time seemed like it was just maybe testosterone, maybe just what guys do- they're so childish, but now after this epiphany I totally get it!!! Yes- fuck yes!!! What a celebration it would be if I was together with my womenfolk and we had our ancestral women family name tattooed on us and could celebrate this long line of women before us back to a place and time in the world and we could see the children that we grew in our ripe distended bellies carrying our name into the future.  The pride of having our children carry our names into the future and looking back upon us with pride too.  The thought of it is so potent and dizzying, I can't believe I've been missing out on it.  

And what sort of names would womenfolk have?  Well many of the surnames we see and hear today have very traditional meaningful roots.  Think of names like Smith or Cooper that actually relate back to a profession.  Once again awesome identity right back to your roots.  Of course some names are more prestigious than others and surely that would be the same for women's last names- let's not let this fantasy get out of control.  So here's some ideas of what our women's names would have been and could be- Maid, Whore, Barmaid, Nurse, Belle(beauty is always important), Washer, Cook, Seamstress now lets get modern: Architect, Engineer, Editor, Model, Athlete, Celebrity.  But these just relate to occupations which not all names do, some relate to places so: New York, Paris, London, Fiji, oh the possibilities.  Now lets just go for some shit hot, really cool last names just to be indulgent: Coco, Chanel, Ruby, Diamond, Jewel, Fashion, Beauty, Bliss, Cleopatra, of Arc, Coven, Love, Mankiller(oh I lol), Mantrap, Manhater...I'm really getting on a roll now. And what of the associated professions.  I come from a long line of...Rugby players, Farmers, Teachers.  What do I come from a long line of? Warrior Women, Midwives, Healers, Cooks, Seamstresses...?   Truth is it's bloody exhilarating thinking about having an actual name to follow through time though I guess Rachel Whore would be hard to swallow- excuse the pun!

So, I got to thinking.  What name would I choose for myself, what did I have that I owned, that was just for me, that secured me to some womenfolk in my family.  The answer to this question was swift and simple.  I would choose the names my Mother gave me- Rachel Joy(Joy is my middle name).  The reason this choice was simple is that there is a beautiful family connection in this name.  My Nana on my Mums side had this as her first name, my Mum has it as her middle name, and my eldest daughter also has it as her middle name.  If we were all to change our middle names to our last names we would share a name over several generations and that would be so sweet and wonderful.  We would be the 'Joy Family' and I might even be tempted to get that tattooed on my skin and celebrate loud and proud with my women! We are the Joys, we claim this name as ours for our women- hear us ROAR!!!!!!  And maybe bring some joy...  

Weddings

Weddings

There were no official photographers



 

I'm getting sick of all the cheesy wedding pictures coming up on my newsfeed.  And to be honest knowing someone planning a wedding has become a pretty tiresome event.  Lately it seems that a lot bride-to-be's think that they must be a minor celebrity and are planning their weddings like they're Kim Kardashian. From the overly detailed analysis of what colour and style napkins to the over the top cakes and dresses, it all just makes me want to scream, "it's just one day"! 

 

I'm not that old(cringe),but when I got married 17yrs ago the most exciting thing about it was becoming my husbands wife and declaring our undying love in front of each other and our loved ones.  It was a magical day, out in the sun in an open field with a reception in a converted barn afterwards.  Did we have napkins? I don't even remember, if we did I had no part in choosing them.  The truth is that I was in such a hurry to marry this man that I couldn't have cared less where or how we did it.  I knew I wanted my friend by my side and I had no say in what she wore and didn't even see her outfit till the day of the wedding.  I couldn't have cared less what she was wearing as long as she was there. My husband organised the cake, again I didn't see it till I got there and voila it was a chocolate gateau volcano! 

We had decided to get married a week after starting to go out with each other and at Christmas time when my future in-laws asked when we were going to get married I said- anytime they wanted to organise it.  So the wedding was planned for March. My husband and I made a freaky collage for a wedding invitation, colour copied them and mailed them out.  I bought a dress, couldn't be bothered with shoes so decided to go barefoot.  Two weeks before the wedding I went to a florist and asked if they could organise flowers.  The florist smiled and started flipping months ahead in her diary and looked up at me smiling with her eyes all sanguine and asked for the date of the wedding.  She slapped the book shut in horror and disbelief when I told her.  It was inconceivable to her.  In the end I brought her back to her senses by asking her if she seriously couldn't make me two bouquets of flowers and two buttonholes in two weeks time when she was clearly surrounded by flowers.  She nodded and remained semi speechless, but of course she managed to get the flowers organised- good grief.

the invite

A couple of days before the wedding I went into a pharmacy and let them know I was looking for some make up for my wedding- I don't usually wear make-up.  The same nodding, smiling, encouraging looks, the enquiry as to the date of my wedding followed by the horror stricken looks on their faces!!! But have you had a facial? No, should I? No, not now it's too late!!!  What amuses me still is that they were acting like I was the crazy one!!!

 Getting married is actually really easy, you just get a marriage licence and a person legally able to marry you and you just get married.  It's actually all the industry around weddings that makes it all so hard and sucks people into thinking that they have to follow all their made up conventions and rules.  Wedding magazines, expos, cake makers, TV shows etc. are all cashing in on this highly lucrative market.  So many tiny details are now highly managed and what really sickens me is that it really seems that a lot of brides are more excited about the wedding than the actual marriage.  This is really not good, it is disturbing, because guess what?  After that one really expensive day with your fifth wedding dress on and your fancy shoes and all your friends and your 18 tier multi flavoured cake and all your stupid photos(oh look how I angelically touched the doves wing as it flew past)and your 20 bridesmaids and the limousines, after that guess what? You're married.  At this point you probably really want to hope you married your soul mate and eternal love because if not you just threw a massive stressful party that probably took 2 years or more to plan for someone that's just ok.  On the plus side if you enjoyed the whole crazy process you could do it all again with someone else.

If you really like wearing pretty dresses and having parties then by all means do it!  Just don't think you've got to find  someone to marry you so you can do it.  You could probably buy a cake and a new dress and have a party every second weekend for less than what the average wedding costs these days.  You'll know you've met the right person for you because you won't give a shit what you're wearing and where you are when you tie the knot- well at least the details should pale in to insignificance.

If you are having a massively over organised indulgent wedding soon, I hope you enjoy it- it's likely to be the last time you're able to dress up like a princess, you'll be working the rest of your life to pay it off and maybe raise some children for the next 20yrs or so- and that ain't glamorous- maybe we should all wear black to our weddings and weep... 

This wedding dress is made entirely out of divorce papers. Keeping it real!