Cover Letter

I've been running a very enjoyable experiment lately and I think the results of it may lead to a great book in the future.  After being self employed for 18 years I've decide to cast my net out and see what new things I could do employment wise.  I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not to get a job so I've decided to portray myself exactly as I am in hopes that someone will feel my vibe and snap me up.  It hasn't happened yet but the process has been very enjoyable.  Here's a sneak peek at one of my cover letters, let me know if you'd like to see all of them in a book in the future.  There's fourteen so far...( the yellow highlighted parts are where I have changed names in order to protect identity)

Mysterious date

Big Corporation

Generic Spectacle shop- Customer Service Assistant

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to apply to be considered for your advertised role as Customer Service Assistant.  I came across your advertisement on Internet Job Site and hope that you will take a small amount of your time to look at my CV and consider my suitability for the position.

I am a reliable and sure sighted worker who does not discriminate against those that are struggling with deficient eyes.  With smiles and understanding I will select with a flourish just the right set of specs for my poor sighted fellow human beings.  Customers that walk in like they are playing a game of pin the tail on the donkey will leave like they are strutting their stuff on Saturday Night Fever. 

 I’ve got skills, they’re multiplying, but I’m not losing control.  With 20/20 vision my experience includes accounts management, payroll, contract negotiations, memo writing, website development, sales, customer service, inventory control, dispute resolution, meeting organisation, social gathering organisation and many other tasks.

I think the nature of this role you are advertising really suits my skill set especially my communication skills and my aging and degenerating eyes.  I have gained strength, confidence and resilience in my years as a business woman which has ensured that along with parenting I am now a battle hardened human being. I adapt easily to new environments and get along with people well.  I like to think I am pretty fast at picking up new skills too.  I would be wide eyed with delight if you would consider me for this position as I believe I have the foresight to deliver high quality advice for your clients.   I am an easy going and fun girl who doesn’t mind being bossed about.  On the other hand I am also good at working independently since I have been my own boss for most of my working life. 

I have enclosed my CV, which is a real representation of me. It shows some of my skills (I gather you don’t want to know about my amazing cooking and parenting) but I believe I have the skills to take on most challenges, I’m resourceful.  

Thanks for reading this far, I hope to hear from you and maybe do some talking,

Yours faithfully

Plum Lovely

Brown eyed Girl

HIS-TO WRECK-TO-ME (Hysterectomy)

 

 

I appreciate the freedom that I have as a woman in this modern society.  I am so grateful that I am legally entitled to have equal rights with men and I worship the strong women who came before me that blazed a trail towards this goal.  Thank you to the women, and any men whom also supported them.  Were I born many other places in the world I might have been in a far different predicament and many aspects of my life could be grim indeed.  So I am grateful and blessed for my rights, but I still notice the stupid shit that gets whispered about on the down-low, or laughed about in the work place- the everyday sexism that lurks about, and it makes me feel RAGE!!!!! That’s right – your sexist thoughts and words makes me RAGE- and not because I’m on my fucking period, Man, just because I’m angry about being treated unfairly because I have a womb.   Well, in the mean time while we wait for society to make its slow change towards gender equality- I’ve got a solution- but it’s drastic.

Take my womb away please

For the amount of squeamishness that men act out when menstrual periods are mentioned they sure don’t mind bringing it up as a belittling statement towards their co-workers.  “She’s got her period- she’s acting like a bitch”.  Well I usually like to respond like this “Do you know that she’s got her period?”, “ Have you checked that she’s bleeding?”, “ Did you see her blood?” and “What’s your excuse when you’re having a bad day or a bad moment?- Nothing- you’re just an arsehole at those times aren’t you”?   It seems like if a woman is not behaving sweetly towards her co-workers she must be half crazed by period madness.  Maybe she is or maybe- just like other normal functioning humans- she’s just angry.  So, stop thinking about our bloody vagina’s and start coping with conflict, just like you would with anyone else.  We don’t wonder if you’ve got a bulging ball sack when you’re angry- dick.

Now there’s the trouble of the womb.  Fortunately us chicks can have one of those and choose to use it to have babies or not.  Also, after we’ve had those babies we don’t turn into blithering, incapacitated idiots who can no longer function well enough to do productive work. In fact we’re still able to care for a brand new child while bleeding from the vagina and oozing milk from our breasts and still recovering from the emotional and physical trauma of birth.  Don’t bother asking a Mum if she can handle stress- she can.  Maternity leave now ensures that jobs get kept for us after we’ve had the baby too which is a great idea since not all women dream of staying at home (the hardest occupation of all- low pay and poor working conditions) forever to raise kids (This douche bag seems to think we’d all be happier if we did.  Probably the best thing for this guy to experience is a life sentence at home raising children for his crimes against women). Maternity leave is poorly understood by society.  Many people incorrectly think that women get to leave work, have their baby and then serenely while away a few months at home at the expense of their employers.  This idea is caused by ignorance.  Employers are not legally required to pay Maternity leave (though they may choose to)  but they are required to keep a women’s jobs available while she recovers from having her baby.

So, lucky women, we get Maternity leave- a hard fought for allowance in order to allow women the equal right of choosing to work and have children.  Great huh?  And the guys too are entitled to some maternity leave – in fact you can work it out amongst yourselves and decide who’s staying at home for the maternity leave and who’s going back to work- neat.  But hang on- the woman’s got a womb remember- she’s an out of control lunatic.  It would be important to ask her how she’s going to manage balancing work and home life when she applies for a job wouldn’t it?  Just in case the raving womb filled idiot hasn’t considered this before heading out to find a job.  It’s probably just best when you’re looking at hiring a new employee to forget about the problematic woman and hire the man.  All those problems like maternity leave and childcare won’t be a hassle for him since he will have that all sorted.  Once he’s ejaculated his well organised sperm into the womb vessel everything takes care of itself and he needn’t be troubled at all by his children, leaving him free to do the important, valuable work(you see when women do work for free its considered by society as not valuable and unemployed).  What a great guy!

An Employer should still consider the risk to their business though, men are quite a risky bunch in their choices of behaviour-after all they have this dangerous hormone coursing through them called testosterone that makes them prone to anger and violence. They could be a risk to your fleet of cars since they are more likely to drive at speed, they might smash things if they can’t control their hormonal urges. Because they have penises and testosterone they might accidentally rape someone whilst they are trapped in a fog of lust and anger, and there’s also the chance that they could become violent and hurt someone.  Do Employers consider the penis as well as the womb?  Enlighten me please if you have heard of this.  It seems relatively uncommon.

Here’s the solution you’ve been waiting for womenfolk.  Should you be concerned that your womb will get in the way of getting a job, because of the inconvenience you may cause by becoming pregnant, then don’t worry.  If you’re between the ages of 19-45 and you’re serious about your career- get a hysterectomy and put it on your CV.  That way your potential child bearing ability is no longer going to hold you back.  If you already have children and you’re a woman (it won’t affect you if you’re a man)you’re pretty fucked really.  I suggest these options- lying about them, adopt them out,  orl eave them with their Father and move in to a house on your own.  If you’re a man and you’re concerned about the impact your penis may have on your job opportunities then just chop that bad boy off!