Letter to my Children

I decided to write this while I cried in the shower.  Two of my kids are teenagers and things haven’t been so smooth running lately.  We try and have really open conversations about things to sort them out and often we can, but one of the most heart wrenching things that often gets yelled at me in the midst of an impassioned argument is that I don’t care for, or love them. 

Enjoy those family moments.

Please don’t think I don’t love you...

My heart fused to your existence while I writhed in agony and bore you into the world, straight into our home, we lived through that together.  I met you for the first time and all my dreams about what my kids would be like were immediately exceeded.  I learnt about a new love that day, 

Please don’t think I don’t love you...

I spent days gazing at you and caressing your skin, spent hours awake at night holding your tiny body close and feeding you with my life giving milk.  My life ceased to be important to me once you were born, I knew in an instant I would die for you.  I still would.

 Please don’t think I don’t love you...

I’ve comforted you from your bad dreams, held you close to me in bed when you were too scared to go back to yours.  I’ve run to you and you’ve run to me when you were hurt, there was no-one else then that you wanted to help you, and I’ve held back my tears to be strong for you even when my heart was breaking. 

Please don’t think I don’t love you...

I worried endlessly about whether you were okay at Kindy and then at School.  Were people being nice to you, did you have friends?  Were you sitting all alone at lunchtime?  These things all seemed worse than when they actually happened to me when I was a kid.  What about play dates?  Are those parents trustworthy enough to look after my most prized possession?  Endless thoughts of how you could get hurt whirled through my mind.  They still do.

Please don’t think I don’t love you...

How could I predict when I was having the last time?  How could I know when my last kiss or hug at school was going to happen?  How could I savour the last time I would lie on your bed and hug you till you fell asleep?  How could I know the last time you would run to me crying looking for the comfort only my arms could offer?  How could I know that I would stop being your hero?

Please don’t think I don’t love you...

Now, how will I know when it’s our last family holiday, our last family meal, or when I’m no longer needed at last?  How at the age of 40 have I only just realised that my own Mum loves me this way too?  My heart still beats for you. When you’re sad I grieve, when you’re happy I feel joy, when you’re in danger I feel fear.  My love for you BURNS fiercely inside me.

Please don’t think I don’t love you, I will always love you, more than you can ever imagine.

Me and my Mum- she'll kill me for this photo!

Don't Lose Yourself into "Coupledom"

I'm a bit of a voyeur.  I like people watching, not that you'd notice since I spend very little time sitting still or being quiet- I'm no introvert!  But, I love people watching when given the opportunity, and I really think that even though I do engage in a lot of conversations(which I do really enjoy) my brain is really focused on human behaviour all the time- I just love it!  At the moment I'm noticing "Coupledom" and the "we" that people seem to transform into. I think it would be super amazing and highly unlikely that one could meet someone who thinks and feels exactly the same as them.  Why do so many people lose their identity in a relationship and become a 'we'?

My husband and 'I', 'We' disagree...

Have you ever watched a reality show where couples compete against each other?  This is the perfect place to see the 'we' in full effect.  Standing side by side and talking to the camera the couples say things like- "we really love neutral colours", "we are really competitive" or "we like reading" all the while glancing at each other with beaming smiles and nodding in agreement. 
Why are they doing this? Grouped together - the statement, the body language and the agreement seems like some sort of animalistic tribal dance of affirmation.  We're together, we like the same things, we're happy- see!  Is this affirmation for themselves or an outward sign for others- 'observe our indestructible force of togetherness, no one agrees more than we do, that's our intimate bond'! 

The thing is, before they were the 'we' they actually were individuals that obviously appealed to each other just as they were.  It's understanding that in the initial stages of togetherness they probably found all the things they had in common and spent a lot of time together, they probably spent less time doing individual things or fighting over topics they disagreed on while they were in the first flush of romance.  Is this what sets the scene  for the rest of the relationship?  Maybe the idea of truly being in-love and intimate is set down over this period and the idea of not agreeing or not spending all their time together now seems hostile and dangerous.  But without differences and individual pursuits what really is there to talk about?  How can your partner excite you if you have become carbon copies of each other.

My husband and I disagree on many topics, we are quite different, which is fine with me.  I like to know what 'I' think and not be scared to say it.  I don't think me having my own point of view makes my husband like me less either.  I also don't need him to agree with me.  It's not a problem at all for us to disagree and the bonus is that we get to explore all sides of a topic since we sometimes have different points of view.  In social situations I don't feel like I have to be a 'we' and choose one view point to defend as a couple, this is not tense or difficult, mostly it means in any social situation one of us agrees with someone else there at least.  It wasn't always like this though, I suspect we were a 'we' for a while there too, maybe it was immaturity... 

The most visual observance of the 'we' is at the mall or supermarket.  This is usually more a display of dutiful misery.  'We go shopping together because we are a 'we' so we do everything together even if it makes us miserable'. Why, oh why would you go shopping together?  Surely he is not interested in your recreational clothes shopping, and certainly not for more than thirty minutes!  I can't imagine how stressful it must be trying to shop while my husband wandered around after me absolutely bored to tears.  Leave your partner at home while you're shopping unless its a purchase that you both need to be present for, you can indulge your 'individual preferences' while you are alone. 
The supermarket shopping- hardly anyone enjoys this!!!!  Why double the misery by both going?  I have rarely seen a couple shopping and looking really happy together.  People hardly ever act kindly at the supermarket anyway and often the awkward people glancing can be a bit jungle like.  Did he just look at her??!!! Take a wide berth if you see a couple shopping together, they're probably so insecure that if you even glance their way you may be on the receiving end of an abusive tirade!

I think my main gripe with the 'we' is that it's just boring. Keep your relationship honest, alive and exciting and be an 'I'!