The Bachelor Games

The Bachelor's 'Simple Simon' Zac

Clearly I need a lobotomy because I’m still watching New Zealand’s most desperate and dateless girls all scrapping it out over one equally desperate Simple Simon.  I don’t know why I do it, but I suspect it’s because I’m just the right mix of romantic and bitchy, and let’s face it The Bachelor is great fodder for bitching and gossiping.

I do wish I could understand the starry eyed, tear inducing adoration for Zac that ‘the girls’ seem to have but I’m really struggling to find anything interesting about him at all.  He’s neither eye-candy nor really intelligent, nor funny.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he’s a bad guy, just as boring as a yawning, intoxicated girl at a cocktail party.  I don’t know anything about Zac except that he was a lifeguard and has suffered from depression, and you would think that with all the dates he’s been on we’d know more than that by now.

There’s only five districts, oops I mean girls, left in the game and Zac is really getting his traumatised face down pat after every elimination.  I’m ‘really glad’ he’s there; it has been amazing to see him ‘really open up’ and ‘let his walls down’.  I like to know ‘how he’s feeling’ as frequently as possible so it’s ‘really important’ for him to ‘take the next step’ so he can ‘take things to the next level’.  He’s there for ‘the right reasons’ after all he’s ‘looking for love’ and he’s got ‘strong feelings’ growing.

Thank goodness for Lily!  She is legit the best thing about The Bachelor.  She knows what she’s doing, she’s just relaxing and enjoying the vibe whilst toying with Zac like a cat does with a bird before it’s mangled enough to eat.  Lily has everything she needs, booze, travel, accommodation and a bozo that’s spellbound enough to keep her there for the long run.

Dear young Claudia the ‘fanny blocker’ will provide the soft place to fall when Lily dumps Zac’s picked over carcass aside and packs her bags for more stimulating pastures.  To be honest I think they’re a great match, they’ve got chemistry, and nice cosy simple minds.  They’ll have happy, robust, dumb kids together.

If I hear another tearful sniffle of ‘I just need more time with Zac’ I’ll eliminate the whinging bitch myself.  I’ve watched these girls constantly sitting by the pool, drinking cocktails, dressing up for cocktail parties, travelling, and going on great ‘group dates’, why the fuck would they need to see more of Zac.  Be elusive bitch, there’s a reason you’re on The Bachelor – what you’ve been doing isn’t working because you’re coming across as clingy...  Also, don’t give us that ‘it’s hard’ bullshit, it looks pretty easy to me - apart from submerging yourself in an ice bath in order to get alone time with Zac – truly desperate love.

The storm of emotions leading up to the rose ceremony is sickening.  One would think that Zac was going to use a ‘hunger games’ style elimination and remove a girl with a bullet to the head with the amount of weeping and quivering going on.  It would be a whole different game if that’s how things went.  You’d have to be next level desperate or utterly ruthless to enter.  Zac would be getting more than just sneaky kisses at the cocktail party as the girls fought for survival no matter what. 

They’d still be all pathetic and tearful at the rose ceremony, clinging to each other and trying to pull Zac aside, but it would be totally understandable because once all the roses were handed out and one girl was left standing without one, the girls would know that she was not staying, but she was definitely not going home.  Dom would sinisterly walk in with a loaded hand gun, and say ‘**** you did not get a rose, you have been eliminated, take a minute and say your goodbyes’. The girls would be desperately relieved that they’ve survived another day but sad and horrified that a girl is about to be properly eliminated from their midst. They’d hug and cry just like usual and then Dom would come and put a bullet between her eyes and Zac would look all traumatised and sad – like usual.

 Have any of ‘the girls’ discussed how the prize package actually isn’t as good as the game?  Really just competing is the prize.  I’d much rather win the travel and stuff than Zac, what the hell would I do with him- have a long conversation about whether we’re ‘opening up enough’?  I think if I got to the final two I’d make sure I didn’t win, and if that didn’t work I’d have to use the ‘Smith Manouver’ and cut loose quicker than a man looking for love and then deciding he wanted something more casual.